Me, Sarah P and Chai Latte

Not gonna do it. Read my lips. She is no Hilary Clinton.

But you betcha, if Sarah Palin invited me to tea, I would accept. I recognize the tea party is in a partial eclipse due to the over exposure of the current newsmaking blend “Texas tea” pouring into the shores of the gulf coasts which only slightly rests on the petite shoulders of the alleged silicon/saline boulder holding hockey mom.

So, I begin to ponder about how this tea occasion would go. (is anyone else sad that you can no longer play tea party with your children without politico overtones?)

Would Sarah and I compare notes on illegal immigrants or John Edward’s indiscretions or would we talk about finds in Marshalls on Tory Burch flats? Of course I would ask her about the breast implants, but only after I drilled-baby-drilled down as to why I am intrigued and fascinated by this proverbial trainwreck. Why I boastfully and shamefully admit I follow and support SP.

But I don’t support her for President. I just support her for being able to be her.

So for fun, let’s picture it, just me and Sarah having tea…not Teavana $100 cast-iron pot tea, but Panera Bread chai tea latte settled in on the double wide chairs positioned at 90° angles so that we could both lean on opposite elbows to-you know-to dish, girl to girl.

Then picture me firing questions like a water pik on pulse, not really wanting to decode her quasi articulated scripted verbal responses but in hopes of observing those crucial nonverbal cues found in those answers to help me just figure it out. Not really figure her out, but sort of. Figure her out and then finally figure out what it is that makes ME actually WANT to figure her out. Then I could try to understand why we as a people are bewitched by a moose wrappin, g droppin good ‘ol gal.

So this is how I see my conversation and commentary erupting in a maniacal stream like the unspellable, unprounance-able volcano that shut down Europe.

• How do you do it Sarah, how are you able to stay soooo skinny and cute. You were not that cute as a teen, but gee…you are over- 45- cute. Attractive cute, not adorable cute, absolutely not clever cute. Is that why I consistently attempt to watch you on TV, only to quickly use selective exposure and hit the mute button? You are cuter when I can’t hear you. But then you must hear that all the time.
• Show me your latest eyewear choice. And please make it Luxottica….cause I have friends that work for Luxottica and do you realize how many pairs of fake glasses you sold? Oh never mind, can I try your glasses?
• While we are on trite, I really hate Katie Couric. So I am glad you made her look like an idiot when she made you look like an idiot. You do read, though, don’t you? Did you see that the Travoltas are expecting a new baby? Kinda weird, like a spare tire or something.
• Oh, and don’t ever go on the View. I hate them, too. Peeing all over themselves when some celebrity walks in on them. And what’s with those gluten free diets? Bet when Elizabeth was on Survivor she would’ve eaten a bagel! Did I tell you my friend was on Survivor? She got parasites.
• Speaking of parasites, will we be able to eat shrimp from Louisiana? or will we have to eat shrimp from China? What do you think is worse? Shrimp full of oil or shrimp full of cadmium?
• Can you see China from your backyard?
• Seriously, what is the solution to the imbalance of trade, the devaluation of the dollar and our debt to China? My econ prof told me not to worry so much about FDI because our military could basically repatriate anything we wanted them to. But that was during the era when Japan was our biggest economic threat, not China. China is well; China. And they are pretty freaking scary people. Did you know kids can go anywhere in China because pedophiles and other criminals are executed right there on the spot?
• Do you think the US should execute pedophiles?
• I read your book. Sort of. I am glad you added pictures. That is all I could take.
• You really think you can run our country? Do you really want to run our country? Isn’t there some other most popular something you could run for? I would feel much better if we could vote for you in some other category than leader of the free world.
• But, how do you do it? Where is the mind control device you are using? Obama had handlers and Madison Avenue and money from terrorists and his own LOGO and brand colors and facebook and a tagline. That’s how he did it. But you…you are breaking all the rules. And yet, here I am having tea with you, and I did pay for your book~it wasn’t available on kindle, stinking publishers.
• You know, Americans really don’t love hockey as much as they love soccer. But they love you more than Hilary. The incongruence is KILLING me. Please stay. Have more tea because I still can’t figure it out.
• Me? What do I think is the most important thing facing our country right now? Well, I guess for this moment it’s the drone mentality that makes people embrace the Pelosis, Obamas and Palins of the world and reject the Stephen Forbes and William F Buckleys. I think unattractive kicks you out even if you make perfectly logical, cogent sense…no, wait. That doesn’t explain Pelosi… so, I change my answer toPelosi.
• Did you hear Gingrich is entering the race? Obama will win again, anyway. Standard metropolitan statistical areas, demographics and the Electoral College and perhaps Texas tea. Those British eventually found a way to get us back. Can’t have drilling as a platform. Punny.
• And what in the world is a common sense agenda? Hmmm…let’s see: Speak English. Balance the budget. Work hard. Support the troops. Stay straight. Defend the Constitution. By the People. Reduce government. Increase resources in our own country. Decrease consumption. I heart you Sarah, really, and not to insult you, Sarah, but I could run on that agenda…except I am not so… petite, nor lacking in lexicon and truly my glasses suck.
  sooooooo
• What do you think is the worst thing facing our country, Sarah? God you say? Morality? That our representatives lack honesty, integrity, trust? Oh…I think I am on to something here….do people trust you, is that it? Trust? Are you sincere and genuine and trustworthy with an image that there is nothing fake about you? Do they trust you because they know you can’t out smart them. Or is it just that there is no one else available to trust?
• I am not sure if trust is it, I think the eyewear is it, but trust will have to do for now. I am here to tell you right this minute if Howard Stern is right, you might lose some of that trust. And whatever you do, do not get Lasik.

Capitalistic footing

Have your prestige seeking teens asked you to shell out $58.00 for a pair of painted canvas shoes? Not yet? Soon…. http://www.toms.com/

The feel good feeling is that for every pair of shoes YOU purchase, a pair of shoes is placed on the feet of a deserving orphan in Ethiopia or other remote location. And then Tom’s will provide clean drinking water to people in Ethiopia. Boy, don’t you feel good about buying Tom’s shoes? It’s like tossing some coins into the Salvation Army bucket every Christmas, isn’t it?

NOPE, it’s you (we) being handled by the oldest marketing strategy in the book…catch a rising trend.

Ponder. You (we) buy one pair and another pair is provided to someone else….how is this any different than paying double for health care so that the slothy slouch unemployed crack head can walk in and get a gunshot wound taken care of pronto, while your(my) broken hip waits in the emergency waiting room? Well…. the orphans in Ethiopia aren’t crack heads, but you get the financial implications, right?

Note, that Tom’s is a FOR-PROFIT entity. You get that part, right? Do you wonder where Tom’s shoes are manufactured? Uh-huh. w/e

We are surrounded by people pursuing “social entrepreneurship” as making a mark in the world. Social entrepreneurship is often a cover for any business that catches a rising trend and capitalizes on same. The trends that Tom’s enjoys? Green, sustainability, cause related marketing. The best business schools in the country now offer fields of study and academic majors in social entrepreneurship! These are the same business schools that create CEO’s and MBA’s and Enrons.

Think PINK lids from Yoplait. Send in your lids, Yoplait gives some cash to the Susan Komen Breast Cancer foundation. They can write that off as a charitable contribution, you member that from Accounting 101, then they get what? (oaky, lots of envelopes of sour stinky pink lids with crusty yogurt)the asset - Goodwill!

Then Robin or George from GMA calls them to be featured on a satellite media tour to publicize all their feel good work. In the end, they take the lids to the incinerator/recycle bin and the profits to the bank. ..Additional profits, because those pink lids increase sales.

Most social entrepreneurships will categorize themselves as Not-for-profit. Better. Still not selfless.

I once sat rather uncomfortably in the home of a director of a Save the Bay not- for-profit. Yep, this home sat squarely in the heart of overpriced historical homes in Annapolis. It was flawless, decadent, ostentatious and overflowing weekly with thousands of dollars of fresh flowers. The stay at home mommy required a full time nanny so she could volunteer for the world’s work in the Jr. League –not the soup kitchen- . I recall the director’s salary was somewhere to the tune of $350,000 per year, not to mention ALL those sailing trips he took around the globe to see how other commercial waterways were able to stay pure what with all the cargo ships pulling in from China. Be sure to tally up the numerous speaking engagements where his honorarium fee was, well, you start to see his financial sacrificing for the better of society.

So, I just placed a couple of pairs of Toms’ shoes in my cart and they should be on their way to Cincinnati very soon. And somewhere in the world a couple of people I will never meet will get shoes. But I didn’t buy them to feel good about that, I bought them because my friend gave me a tip that they are the latest must have teen fashion accessory and I am a conspicuous consumer, who, when I can afford it, likes to buy things that elevate social status. Tom’s knows this too.

Clearly I envy the Save the Bay Dude for being so convincingly selfless- or confession, his wife’s ability to improve her tennis doubles game-she was prob a debutante double major in the romance languages from Dartmouth- He’s probably sailing in Australia right now, taking some water samples.

I don’t admire Blake Mycoskie because he puts shoes on people’s feet or encourages people to walk around for a day without shoes; I admire Blake because he is one hell of a capitalist and readily admits he is in business for profit.

After all, business is a metaphorical amazing race.

Seriously, Oprah? Rielle?

Never underestimate the power of a fresh “one”-insert snarky reference coined by @Joy Behar (dislike)

Edwards seemingly had it all...money, power, career, wife, kids, and great hair. Unsatisfied with having it all, he needed ….index finger tapping on temple mmmmmm….something; something more to reach that oft unreachable apotheosis moment...a fresh “one”.

Why?

In the interest of “E” for everyone, a metaphor:

It is suggested that the reason why people love to shop relates to the concept that serotonin increases when the brain is exposed to something new. New stimulates us. Retail therapy works. So instead of say, buying a new suit, or indulging in a new hair cut, or enjoying one of the few days left on this earth with Elizabeth, Edwards looked for a storefront that offered something that could combine both new and fresh with risk and secrecy, not to mention the possibility of the big O -a term from the seventies that is not at all consistent with 0’bama-

Think of Edwards as a purposeful, thoughtful consumer of “ones”.
He recognized that his current brand choice was soon to be removed altogether from the marketplace. It would become, in fact, obsolete. Rather than wait for that day, and suffer from post purchase dissonance, it was time to evaluate alternative brand(s).

Enter; Rielle's-being metaphorically correct here- “offering”. The Rielle storefront - a well shopped destination-was seeking to expand its clientele...tired of the same humdrum patrons. Influencing a brand loyal customer to switch brands is the ultimate competitive coup. Once she secured her client she decided to track consumption patterns by documenting one shopper’s experience as he acquainted himself with the ambiance of his surroundings. Further, Rielle concluded that the recording of this demonstration/testimonial may be a great tactic, perhaps, for enticing others to jump on the bandwagon.

We shant blame Edwards as his anthropological instincts drove him to toss the other things in his life aside and succumb to primal urges. We shall blame him as a human being, a soul, and individual versed on the qualities of moral character.

For the sake of the Edwards-Rielle offspring, let’s guide the innocent away from the family business.

Citizens outraged. Illegal immigration is now illegal.

Just saw the blog o sphere going post traumatic....the "law" in Arizona has people in frenzy. Seems that the rounding up of illegal aliens should not be legal or constitutional. Seems that we should be pleased as punch that illegals are putting a strain on education, welfare, health care, law enforcement et al.

The big issue with the new law is that horrible catch phrase "racial profiling".

RISKY THING TO SAY: I am a victim of profiling, and I, gulp, I see its purpose. It's logical. It's cost effective, but gee, ouch, it hurts peoples' feelings. Therefore, as only in America, we cannot do that which might cause pain.


(Big crescendo of music here, Oprah style)
Oprah: "and callmedebutante, tell us the voyers, in your own words, how you are a victim of profiling?"

Me: "give me a moment, can we go to a commercial while I catch my breath?"

Dramatic music, camera pulls away

Insert thirty second commercial for some 3g network or Mac vs. pc here.

kinder, gentler music, close up on callmedebutante wiping mascara

Me: "The other day, I was buying some typical everyday justcallmedebutante groceries: milk, eggs, bread, Motrin, chocolate, cheese popcorn, Graeters black raspberry chip ice cream, fudge sauce, marshmallow sauce, and a rag magazine. And do you know what? That store there has a magic machine that has a miniature person in there watching you and thinking real hard thoughts and then in a couple of seconds that miniature person tells the magic coupon machine to spit out a coupon for -gasp-Tampax! Just because I filled out that card with my name and phone number and zip code and HAPPENED to be buying a few items of extreme urgency, does NOT mean I was menstruating. I was a victim of profiling. - Okay, so maybe I was menstruating, but there is no way that miniature person in that magic coupon machine would know that without asking me-"

OPRAH: (reaching her hands to hold callmedebutante's) "A chilling story of how hurtful profiling in America has become. Let's talk to a psychic and a psycho analyst to find out what each of us can do to overcome profiling"
*********************
See...Tampax has been profiling me...and so far it is legal. Because, it really does make sense...it is logical, and professional, and effective and efficient and strategic and all things that solid organizations like the makers of Tampax do to stay in business, to make profits so that we can invest in them and retire and pay taxes so that illegal aliens can soak us.

I vote for profiling. I am not against it. And if I can be menstruating AND have my feelings hurt and NOT call Kroger or Tampax people and cry "UNCONSTITUTIONAL" and "OUTRAGEOUS" well, then a couple of legal immigrants, or home grown USA immigrant/behavioral/demographic/psychographic/geographic-a-likes can handle being asked if they are supposed to be here.

Betcha (there I go being Sarah-Palinish) if we gave them a coupon for their troubles it would be just peachy. Course, the coupon couldn't be for tostados or anything profiley, just Tampax.