Jun 10, 2010

Me, Sarah P and Chai Latte

Not gonna do it. Read my lips. She is no Hilary Clinton.

But you betcha, if Sarah Palin invited me to tea, I would accept. I recognize the tea party is in a partial eclipse due to the over exposure of the current newsmaking blend “Texas tea” pouring into the shores of the gulf coasts which only slightly rests on the petite shoulders of the alleged silicon/saline boulder holding hockey mom.

So, I begin to ponder about how this tea occasion would go. (is anyone else sad that you can no longer play tea party with your children without politico overtones?)

Would Sarah and I compare notes on illegal immigrants or John Edward’s indiscretions or would we talk about finds in Marshalls on Tory Burch flats? Of course I would ask her about the breast implants, but only after I drilled-baby-drilled down as to why I am intrigued and fascinated by this proverbial trainwreck. Why I boastfully and shamefully admit I follow and support SP.

But I don’t support her for President. I just support her for being able to be her.

So for fun, let’s picture it, just me and Sarah having tea…not Teavana $100 cast-iron pot tea, but Panera Bread chai tea latte settled in on the double wide chairs positioned at 90° angles so that we could both lean on opposite elbows to-you know-to dish, girl to girl.

Then picture me firing questions like a water pik on pulse, not really wanting to decode her quasi articulated scripted verbal responses but in hopes of observing those crucial nonverbal cues found in those answers to help me just figure it out. Not really figure her out, but sort of. Figure her out and then finally figure out what it is that makes ME actually WANT to figure her out. Then I could try to understand why we as a people are bewitched by a moose wrappin, g droppin good ‘ol gal.

So this is how I see my conversation and commentary erupting in a maniacal stream like the unspellable, unprounance-able volcano that shut down Europe.

  • How do you do it Sarah, how are you able to stay soooo skinny and cute. You were not that cute as a teen, but gee…you are over- 45- cute. Attractive cute, not adorable cute, absolutely not clever cute. Is that why I consistently attempt to watch you on TV, only to quickly use selective exposure and hit the mute button? You are cuter when I can’t hear you. But then you must hear that all the time.
  • Show me your latest eyewear choice. And please make it Luxottica….cause I have friends that work for Luxottica and do you realize how many pairs of fake glasses you sold? Oh never mind, can I try your glasses?
  • While we are on trite, I really hate Katie Couric. So I am glad you made her look like an idiot when she made you look like an idiot. You do read, though, don’t you? Did you see that the Travoltas are expecting a new baby? Kinda weird, like a spare tire or something.
  • Oh, and don’t ever go on the View. I hate them, too. Peeing all over themselves when some celebrity walks in on them. And what’s with those gluten free diets? Bet when Elizabeth was on Survivor she would’ve eaten a bagel! Did I tell you my friend was on Survivor? She got parasites.
  • Speaking of parasites, will we be able to eat shrimp from Louisiana? or will we have to eat shrimp from China? What do you think is worse? Shrimp full of oil or shrimp full of cadmium?
  • Can you see China from your backyard?
  • Seriously, what is the solution to the imbalance of trade, the devaluation of the dollar and our debt to China? My econ prof told me not to worry so much about FDI because our military could basically repatriate anything we wanted them to. But that was during the era when Japan was our biggest economic threat, not China. China is well; China. And they are pretty freaking scary people. Did you know kids can go anywhere in China because pedophiles and other criminals are executed right there on the spot?
  • Do you think the US should execute pedophiles?
  • I read your book. Sort of. I am glad you added pictures. That is all I could take.
  • You really think you can run our country? Do you really want to run our country? Isn’t there some other most popular something you could run for? I would feel much better if we could vote for you in some other category than leader of the free world.
  • But, how do you do it? Where is the mind control device you are using? Obama had handlers and Madison Avenue and money from terrorists and his own LOGO and brand colors and facebook and a tagline. That’s how he did it. But you…you are breaking all the rules. And yet, here I am having tea with you, and I did pay for your book~it wasn’t available on kindle, stinking publishers.
  • You know, Americans really don’t love hockey as much as they love soccer. But they love you more than Hilary. The incongruence is KILLING me. Please stay. Have more tea because I still can’t figure it out.
  • Me? What do I think is the most important thing facing our country right now? Well, I guess for this moment it’s the drone mentality that makes people embrace the Pelosis, Obamas and Palins of the world and reject the Stephen Forbes and William F Buckleys. I think unattractive kicks you out even if you make perfectly logical, cogent sense…no, wait. That doesn’t explain Pelosi… so, I change my answer toPelosi.
  • Did you hear Gingrich is entering the race? Obama will win again, anyway. Standard metropolitan statistical areas, demographics and the Electoral College and perhaps Texas tea. Those British eventually found a way to get us back. Can’t have drilling as a platform. Punny.
  • And what in the world is a common sense agenda? Hmmm…let’s see: Speak English. Balance the budget. Work hard. Support the troops. Stay straight. Defend the Constitution. By the People. Reduce government. Increase resources in our own country. Decrease consumption. I heart you Sarah, really, and not to insult you, Sarah, but I could run on that agenda…except I am not so… petite, nor lacking in lexicon and truly my glasses suck.
  • What do you think is the worst thing facing our country, Sarah? God you say? Morality? That our representatives lack honesty, integrity, trust? Oh…I think I am on to something here….do people trust you, is that it? Trust? Are you sincere and genuine and trustworthy with an image that there is nothing fake about you? Do they trust you because they know you can’t out smart them. Or is it just that there is no one else available to trust?
  • I am not sure if trust is it, I think the eyewear is it, but trust will have to do for now. I am here to tell you right this minute if Howard Stern is right, you might lose some of that trust. And whatever you do, do not get Lasik.